In truth, there would probably be more validity to me calling myself an “athlete” because I played little league in 4th grade than a poker pro saying they’re part of a sport. You don’t see poker players doing wind sprints before they sit down to tournaments. The majority of your average cast of characters at a given table would probably have a heart attack just thinking of running to anything that wasn’t a buffet line opening up for afternoon service. They are some of the most fair-skinned, anemic, and rotund specimens mankind has to offer and embody everything throughout every facet of their lives that an athlete does not.

Let’s try and put things in perspective. For example, these guys are all athletes:

“Dear god…seriously?” would be a perfectly normal reaction to that lineup. Poker can make you sweat, increase your heart rate, and involves a fierce competitive spirit often seen in athletes who are physical specimens excelling at a sport which involves precision and power in motion. Do these similarities warrant announcers calling them athletes? Using your tubby forearms as showcased above (which, might I add, look like clear plastic bags filled with tapioca pudding that were given five fingers) to lift chips up and toss them into the pot doesn’t constitute athleticism, because by that reasoning, literally anyone with a functioning upper torso could consider themselves part of Team Poker. Once that happens, there’s no holding back on the amount of tail that will open up to the athletes on the high school chess team.

And sure, some players sweat, but that’s not a sign that poker is a sport. If it’s not due to the fact they’re coked out of their minds, their overactive glands which leak sweat as they remain stationary stands a testament to just why they aren’t an athlete (as well as symptoms to many underlying health issues sure to catch up to them very shortly in life).

Don’t tell me that since it comes in a wrapping, is a mixture of different things, and tastes good when I chew on it that my hot sausage is a lollipop. Poker takes time, practice, patience, and dedication, all things of which a successful athlete builds upon with a meticulous physical contribution. I mean sure, you can reach and find similarities, but just because my old Razor X scooter has wheels, does that mean it’s a Cadillac? Is fried dough and pizza one in the same since they’re both flattened carbfests? Stars are shining in the sky, so can I refer to them as “suns”?

Greg Raymer an athlete…think about it.

Do yourself a favor: don’t tap on the glass. Like a parasite looking for a host, they have no sustainable income if you aren’t there for them to attach to. Stay clear of these syphilis cells and you’ll enjoy a burn-free time on the felt.

After bringing the competition at the World Series of Poker to its knees, Moon is poised to sit down and use his monster chip lead to win the thing outright in November.  And while he is the least experienced player at the table, you just can’t argue with the guy holding 30% of the chips.

But that’s just the beginning: in the four months since the much-ballyhooed Final Table was determined, Moon has had every opportunity to sign a major promotional deal with the online poker site of his choosing. Instead Moon has remained a lone gunner, stating that “there is not enough money in the world for someone to tell me what to do.”

Well, we here at CarbonPoker are not about to take no for an answer.  You hear that, Darvin?  We like you just the way you are.  With that in mind here are the

Top Five Reasons You Should Join CarbonPoker, Darvin Moon

5. Holy!  We Like the Saints Tooooo!

We just love that you wear a Saints hat while you play. If you join us we’ll put out a hit on Drew Brees and have you starting in no less than a year.

4. CarbonPoker is Elderly-Friendly

Everyone is talking about how you learned to play from your grandfather.  Well, sign on with us and we’ll open the internet’s first 80+ poker room, featuring on-screen reminders of what the hands are, 0.01 cent Sit and Gos, and weekly online garage sales.  It’ll be the bees knees.

3. Goatees = Nice

If you become Carbon’s number one man, we’ll institute a mandatory goatee policy for all employees.  But none will be as bushy as yours, Darvin, promise.

2.  Logging is For Winners

We’re very impressed that you own a logging company, Darvin.  We hate forests.  We’ll clear-cut the Eastern seaboard if that would get you on board.

1. We Like Being Told What to Do

Don’t worry about us telling you what to do, Darvin.  With your enticing combination of looks, personality, and enthusiasm, we won’t need a marketing strategy with you on our side.  Just undo that lower button on your golf shirt and accept the keys to the CarbonPoker vault.