Hevad Khan during the 2007 World Series of Poker Main Event

Watching his performance all these years later still makes me want to go out and stab the first vagrant I see. Khan defines the word “obnoxious”–bolded, italicized, and underlined–with the full-body seizures he called his post-hand celebrating. His “oohs” and “aahs” as he mimicked a gorilla, or yelling “BULLLLLLLDOOOOZZZZEERRRRRR” then doing his tubby little mad man shuffle, saw me clenching my fists harder than I would have around my door handles staring down the impending head-on collision of a Mac truck. If the Mississippi River was the line for this self-proclaimed funny man’s behavior, Khan crossed it into Alaska. It was arguably the most egregious table display of any televised poker broadcast and a perfect example of how sometimes, people aren’t laughing with you but at you.

His behavior was so notorious that a new rule was enacted the following year to prevent copycat douchebaggery:

“Excessive celebration through extended theatrics, inappropriate behavior, or physical actions, gestures, or conduct may be subject to penalty. Any player that engages a member of the tournament staff during the celebration or utilizes any property of Harrah’s will be penalized in accordance with Rules No. 31 and/or 51. Harrah’s property includes but is not limited to chairs, tournament tables, and stanchions.”

One of his random tablemates said it best: “Just act normal, OK?” Let’s find a nice, soft patch of land behind the ol’ tool shed, right next to where Old Yeller resides, and toss Khan’s 15 minutes of fame deep down into a hole to never be heard from again.

Scotty Nguyen during the 2008 $50k H.O.R.S.E. World Championship

A man whom many pros considered to be one of the greatest to play the game, Chip Reese died on December 4, 2007 due complications with pneumonia. It seemed only fitting that a year after winning the inaugural $50k H.O.R.S.E. tourney just months before his untimely passing, the event was renamed in his honor and the “David ‘Chip’ Reese Memorial Trophy” was to be presented to the winner (the trophy is now handed out at the $50k Poker Player’s Championship after the sudden decline of the H.O.R.S.E. event).

What better way to honor one of your well-respected and beloved peers in the wake of his absence? Make a complete ass of yourself as you drunkenly belittle the remaining players at the final table and defecate on his memory in the process. While not so much obnoxious as it was graceless and an atrocious display of character and tact, Scotty Nguyen, the “Prince of Poker”, looked more like a serf tending to the horse’s stables. It was a performance that would have even seen the words “ridiculous” and “embarrassing” stop returning his calls.

It all started with a spark, provided when young gun Michael DeMichele irked all the old poker pro gatekeepers with his giddy demeanor, excessive celebrating, and questionable plays which made more enemies than friends when it looked like he slow-played Barry Greenstein and misread his winning flush against Huck Seed, telling him he had two pair. While his youthful exuberance was certainly trying on the patience of all that played witness, even it could not prepare us for Nguyen’s televised train wreck.

The compound interest of a botched 11th place finish in the 2007 Main Event, fleeting luck in his hands, a few too many cocktails, and DeMichele’s behavior turned that spark into a structural fire that would go on to burn down 10 city blocks, when Nguyen proceeded to turn his anger on the twentysomething, with a bombardment like a verbal Pearl Harbor. But it didn’t end there.

Nguyen, who saw his luck turn in several hands with well-respected Erick Lindgren, then turned the onslaught in his direction, continuing his drunken Jekyll and Hyde act and further shaming the glistening legacy of Chip Reese.

His classiest moment came when he finally shut up after winning the event, the $1,989,120, and the Chip Reese trophy, which immediately needed to be washed and polished to remove the tarnish from Nguyen’s shame. While the nearly $2 million was certainly undeserved, onlookers could take solace in the fact that it was just the steep price Nguyen paid for his televised personality suicide. If I was DeMichele or Lindgren though, I would have grabbed him by his Jerry curls in the parking lot and put his face all-in through the pavement.

“I knew him for 35 years, I never saw him get mad or raise his voice,” said Doyle Brunson to The Associated Press following Reese’s passing. “He had the most even disposition of anyone I’ve ever met. He’s certainly the best poker player that ever lived.”

Touching sentiment that makes this somehow even harder to watch:

Phil Hellmuth during anything

The name speaks for itself. One part accomplished no-limit hold’em player, one part 12-year-old temper tantrum, and all narcissist,  his antics are that laughable, pathetic, “make you feel better about yourself” sort of  disgraceful. His lack of respect for other players, for the game, and for himself have produced a highlight reel of some of humanity’s worst moments. The rants about Europeans, the progressively awful entrances at the WSOP Main Event, the insults about people not even being able to spell “poker”–Hellmuth knowns no bounds and makes everyone around him feel better about themselves every time he speaks. It’s all been said and done about “The Poker Brat”, a horse that’s been beaten so many times that if I went in depth about his antics again, PETA may begin to publicly boycott this blog.

Nobody knows poker like  Phil Hellmuth, who would be the first and only person to tell you that. He also knows overweening, shame, and self-importance better than anyone else, too.